Jokes, because I’m bored to death!

  • If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
    The rest of them will write Perl programs.
  • Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

    Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

    The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

    Shepherd: “Okay.”

    The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,

    Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

    The shepherd cheers,

    Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

    The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,

    Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

    The young man answers;

    Man: “Yes, why not?”

    Shepherd: “You are an IT consultant.”

    Man: “How did you know?”

    Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?”

  • C++ – Where your friends have access to your private parts.
  • A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.
    An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.
    A real programmer sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().
  • Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.
  • There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
    Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
    The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.
    The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
    The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?”
  • The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”

    Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”

  • Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
  • Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
    A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”
  • An inscription on the gravestone of a programmer reads:

    General protection fault – 10.10.61

    Runtime error – 23.09.1998

  • .NET is called .NET so that it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.
  • CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
    SCSI: System Can’t See It
    MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    DOS: Defunct Operating System
    WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
    PnP: Plug and Pray
    APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    IBM: I Blame Microsoft
    MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
    COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
    MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
    WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
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