Tag Archives: joke

This Is Just Too Funny, I Have To Re-Post It Here

Credit to the original author, a spin of the thought-provoking dialog between Jack Nicholson’s and Tom Cruise’s character in A Few Good Men movie.

Yeah, IANAL, but a warrant means police have the authority to go look for something in a specific location, not the authority to command a suspect divulge information. You have to trick them into revealing the secret by leveraging their own ego:

Col. Jessep: You want answers?

Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.

Col. Jessep: You want answers?

Kaffee: I want the truth!

Col. Jessep: You can't handle the truth!
[pause]

Col. Jessep: Son, we live in a world that has tubes,
and those tubes have to be guarded by encryption
algorithms. Who's gonna do it? You? You, 
Lt. Weinburg? I have more numerous salt bits than 
you could possibly fathom. You weep for digital 
forensics, and you curse the cipher.

You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not 
knowing what I know. That cryptography's invention, 
while inconvenient, probably keeps secrets. And my 
use of it, while absurd and incomprehensible to you, 
keeps secrets. You don't want the truth because 
deep down in places you don't talk about at 
parties, you want secrets to be kept, you need 
secrets to be kept.

We use words like key, code, hash. We use these 
words as the backbone of a science dedicated to 
securing communication. You use them as a specter. 

I have neither the time nor the inclination to 
explain cryptography to a man who rises and sleeps 
under the blanket of the very security that it 
provides, and then questions the security it 
provides for others. I would rather you just said 
thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I 
suggest you pick up a decrypter, and start brute 
forcing. Either way, I don't give a damn what you 
think you are entitled to.

Kaffee: Do you know the private key?

Col. Jessep: I know the premise of encry...

Kaffee: Do you know the private key?

Col. Jessep: 4b752O7o3dgJ#?;6q7IxLBr7:#gUL^!

Boom! Techno-lawyered.

I just put some line breaks for easier reading.

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Jokes, because I’m bored to death!

  • If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
    The rest of them will write Perl programs.
  • Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

    Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

    The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

    Shepherd: “Okay.”

    The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,

    Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

    The shepherd cheers,

    Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

    The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,

    Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

    The young man answers;

    Man: “Yes, why not?”

    Shepherd: “You are an IT consultant.”

    Man: “How did you know?”

    Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?”

  • C++ – Where your friends have access to your private parts.
  • A pessimistic programmer sees the array as half empty.
    An optimistic programmer sees the array as half full.
    A real programmer sees the array as twice as big as it needs to be and calls realloc().
  • Computers are high-speed idiots, programmed by low-speed idiots.
  • There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
    Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
    The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.
    The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
    The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?”
  • The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”

    Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”

  • Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
  • Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
    A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”
  • An inscription on the gravestone of a programmer reads:

    General protection fault – 10.10.61

    Runtime error – 23.09.1998

  • .NET is called .NET so that it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.
  • CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
    SCSI: System Can’t See It
    MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    DOS: Defunct Operating System
    WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
    PnP: Plug and Pray
    APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    IBM: I Blame Microsoft
    MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
    COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
    MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
    WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

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Cowboy panda

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

“Well, I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

Hahahaha… salah punctuation artinya jadi beda banget.

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Cat, tails? wut?

Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.

Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

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Wait, wut?

Ada tiga orang yang sedang duduk-duduk di taman satu orang Prancis, satu orang Korea, dan satu lagi orang Indonesia. Ketiga orang itu lagi ngomong tentang jenis-jenis manusia di bumi.

Orang Perancis bilang:

“Sebenarnya di dunia ini ada empat jenis orang, yaitu orang romantis, orang pencemburu, orang protektif, dan orang gila”.

Orang Korea dan Indonesia ngangguk-ngagguk, lalu orang Korea bilang:

“Sebenarnya di dunia ini ada dua jenis orang, yaitu orang dengan bakat, dan orang pekerja keras”.

Orang Prancis dan Indonesia ngagguk-ngagguk. Gak mau kalah orang sama dua orang sebelumnya, orang Indonesia ngomong:

“Sebenarnya di dunia ini ada tiga jenis orang, yaitu orang yang bisa berhitung, dan orang yang tidak bisa berhitung”.

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